the next 10 months

After my Dr got my pain meds fixed so i wasn't pucking all the time i started to improve a little. with the in home pt i was able to walk a little better and start driving again. i was still seeing the surgeon one week and my primary care the next which was not easy but i managed. after 3 months my visits became monthly which meant that i was finally improving even though it didn't feel like i was. i started getting really depressed because i couldn't do much it hurt to sit up for more then an hr at a time. in December i finally was at my breaking point and needed to get out and get away from my house, my prison. you see being accident prone and living in a state where there is lots of snow and ice make you terrified to leave the house. so i called my dad and step mom and they flew me down to cali. it was warm and there was no snow and no ice. my step mom made sure to keep me busy. i found if i wasn't the one driving i could manage to be up for a bit longer. we  went to the beach one day with my aunt and uncle i think that day was the best i had had in a long time. i spent 3 weeks in cali before i had to go home for a Dr apt the following week. i flew home Christmas day but i was ok i wasn't nearly as depressed as i had been. i enjoyed my birthday. Then on January 4th 2012 i went back in to see my surgeon and my world ended. it had been almost 6 months since my surgery and i still couldn't hold my head up for long periods of time so my aunt asked the question that i was terrified to ask. she asked if i would ever be able to go back to work. he said no and just to make sure i understood what he was saying my aunt asked if i should apply for social security disability and he said yes. my whole world came crashing down around me here i had just turned 31 and i found out i would never be able to work again. i began to wish i had died during the surgery. the surgeon put me back in pt and order a tens unit for me in the hopes that i would be able to at least hold my head up for 3-4 hrs a day. he said he would see me in 3 months. so i complied and went to pt for the next 3 months. the problem was the pain was getting worse not better with pt so when i had my next apt with the surgeon i told him and he had me stop pt. in April i sold my car so i could pay some bills since i had had no money coming in since October and that's when some things started to turn around. i sold my car and my long term disability was approved. my mom suggested that i use part of the money to have the gastric sleeve done down in Mexico and that she would pay for half of it. so i though about it and i talked to my Dr's and it was agreed that losing some of my weight might help with the pain. so may 16th 2012 i went to Mexico with my mom and had the surgery. it wasn't an easy surgery epically since i was still recovering from major surgery even though it had been 10 months before. i have learned that it takes at least 1 year for you to completely recover from any surgery and here i had 2 in 10 months.  when i saw my surgeon in April he was very happy with the way i was healing and is hopeful that i wont have to have a second surgery right next to my brain steam. we will see what happens. that brings my story up to date so to speak. i don't see the surgeon again till October.


all this has helped me realize a few things one of which is that you should live your life to the fullest because you never know what is going to happen. i have also come to believe that you should never hide who you are it only makes things worse. my depression over the last month hasn't been quit so bad because i have decided to stop hiding who i am at least from my friends. one day i hope to be able to be open with my family but for now my friends knowing the truth is a step in the right direction.